You know what really makes me want to plunge? Spray painting mountains green in order to answer calls for more attention to environmental protection.
Take a moment to consider what something like this involves. It begins with people putting pressure on China to be more environmentally friendly. A meeting is called and someone suggests covering a hillside with green toxic paint to resolve the issue. The idea is approved and $60,600 is spent on putting the plan into action.
$60,600 worth of toxic paint could have bought 13,060 pounds of Perenniall Ryegrass seeds, enough to cover 1,632,343 square feet. The end result would also have been a green hillside, with plenty of seeds leftover to feed an entire fleet of remote controlled pigeons. $60,600 could also have been used to plant a fake forest with green cardboard trees. While this would also have been a waste of money, at least it would have been recyclable, not toxic.
Ironically, many people speculate that “officials of the surrounding Fumin county, whose office building faces the mountain, were trying to change the area’s feng shui - the ancient Chinese belief of harmonizing one’s physical environment for maximum health and financial benefit”. This means that government officials came to the conclusion that the best way to harmonize the environment for maximum health and financial benefit is by wasting money on destroying the environment even though the environment is necessary for good health and investing money wisely is necessary for financial benefit.
Protecting the environment and spray paint don’t go together. In fact, anytime you see a skull and crossbones image on a product you plan to dump on a hillside, chances are its a bad idea. That being said, don’t let politicians fool you. Protecting the environment and nuclear power also do not go together. A nuclear power plant may create less air pollutants, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a giant spray-paint can with millions of skull and crossbones all over it. As of 2000, Canada has 35,000 tonnes of highly radioactive nuclear waste, with nowhere to put it. With a radioactive half-life of 25,000 years, nuclear waste remains dangerous for 250,000 years (And these are just the problems we face when a nuclear power plant is working properly!). The damage from spray painting a mountain green will be gone long before then.
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http://www.cbc.ca/cp/Oddities/070214/K021404AU.html
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/Climate_Change/Energy/Nuclear.asp
The People’s Daily Online reports that scientists in China have successfully found a way to use brain implants in pigeons to control the birds’ movement. This of course means that every military in the world is already trying to figure out how they can strap pigeons with an AK-47 and use them as weapons of mass destruction. Don’t be surprised if George Bush announces a plan to invade Iran because satellite photos have spotted pigeons gathering in large numbers around what may or may not be bread crumbs…
The U.S military has already tried creating remote controlled sharks and currently trains dolphins to search for mines.
“Scientists with the Robot Engineering Technology Research Center of east China’s Shandong University of Science and Technology say they implanted micro electrodes in the brain of a pigeon so they can command it to fly right or left or up or down.
The implants stimulated different areas of the pigeon’s brain according to signals sent by the scientists via computer, and forced the bird to comply with their commands.” - http://hackedgadgets.com/
Since we shouldn’t have to worry about a missile defense system against pigeons for another two or three years, I’ll focus the rest of this article on some of the benefits that could arise from this technology!
First of all, some non-military uses will be found for the birds. If Fedex can get their hands on some remote controlled pigeons I guarantee they will start using them to deliver mail just like owls do in Harry Potter. Sure, some animal rights activists will likely be against the idea of giving pigeons brain implants and using them to fly packages across the country and oversea, but imagine the savings! Thousands of workers could be laid off and replaced with pigeons who will be paid in grain. Also, think of the carbon savings! Switching to pigeons is a great way to reduce greenhouse gas emmissions and go green!
The technology will help clean up the streets. Most pigeons spend their days downtown panhandling and begging people for food. This technology will get the pigeons off the streets and into jobs seeing as many new employment possibilities will be available for the birds either as couriers or assassins.
Of course, this will inevitably lead to the development of remote controlled humans. If you think it’s impossible, guess again. The technology has obviously already been tested on many politicians who serve oil companies and large corporations rather than those who would elect them.
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, thats all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…
Farmers in Switzerland find that cannabis is a very affordable way to feed their cows who also seem happier upon consumption. The Agriculture Ministry however states that the active ingredient in cannabis, THC, can get into the milk and create a health risk. However, artificial growth hormones designed to increase milk production, when there is already an oversupply of milk, are perfectly safe.
If anyone should be allowed to get high, its the cows. We’ve taken all meaning and fun out of their lives while treating them as commodities to use and expend as we please. Cows do not live in the wild, we have enslaved their entire population. Despite this, they are not on any endangered species lists because we don’t view them as a creature any longer, but rather as a burgers or bags of milk. They have nothing going for them besides exploitation, just let the cows get high.
Of course, others will argue that we need to educate the young cows about the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. Do you want your cow to grow up and spend it’s life working at McDonald’s, being fed to people by employees making minimum wage?
Don’t think that cows are only being fed cannabis in Switzerland. These happy cow videos show American cows from California who are obviously also in a good mood. Do you want to make these cows sad? Of course not, man, thats messed up! Get out your plunger and pull the plug on the ban on feeding cows cannabis! THC does not accumulate in the food chain like poisonous mercury, yet fish have not been banned from living in the waters we have polluted and continue to make dangerous to our own health.
You know what really makes me want to plunge (as in plunging with a plunger)? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy. The problem is that nobody has ever given them a taste of their own medicine. They float around their entire life with a handful of suction cups, yet not a single giant squid is employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path seeing as we would be much less likely to eat them if they put their tentacles into toilets (although we do presently dump sewage into the oceans yet enjoy our calamari anyways so who knows…).
So how do squid waste their true anatomical potential? They stick their suction cups to whales! Granted I would do the same if given the opportunity, but that’s not the point. Next time I find myself in the middle of the ocean and I meet a giant squid I’m going to pray I have my plunger with me because I think it’s time we demonstrate why enslavement at the hands of humanity is a better alternative to gleefuly usage of suction cups on whales. Their heads are round and wet, creating the ideal location for a plunger to become stuck. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do.
Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or Anna Nicole Smith. Do you want your children to see them on TV every night and then have squid-related nightmares? Do your part to ensure that the next time a giant squid shows up on TV, it has a plunger stuck to it’s head. The future of your child may very well be at stake…
Today I was entrusted with the task of tying up a chicken. Simple as that may sound, a chicken is a formidable foe that should never be underestimated.
The first thing to do when asked to tie up a chicken is to desperately seek out advice from people who tie up chickens professionally. If you’re having trouble finding such a person, its because they’ve decided to use the fancy name of “trussing poultry” in order to describe their line of work.
One thing the professionals forget to mention is that you should always begin by making sure your chicken is dead. To do this, simply poke the chicken several times with your index finger and wait for a response. Feathers are not a vital organ so do not assume just because they are no longer present that your bird is dead. The bird I am presently cooking for instance used its slippery skin in order to attempt an escape when I picked it up. Approach your chicken with caution at all times.
Here is an article from the Food Network called Truss Poultry which provides step by step chicken trussing instructions for beginners like me:
How to Truss Poultry Instructions
The video is excellent unless, like me, you find yourself with a chicken that does not match the shape of the chicken in the video. If your chickens legs won’t cross, don’t force them too or the leg will fall right off… 
So what do you do if your average chicken looks nothing like the big juicy ones that make it on TV? Improvise! The video suggests using a cord about three times the length of the chicken. I say, when in doubt, tie that bird up real good and use three feet of string if necessary! If it looks like an Egyptian mummy by the time it goes into the rotisserie, all the better! There’s no better way to preserve a chicken corpse.
The final step is actually cooking the chicken! Unfortunately I don’t think I’m quite qualified to offer assistance in this area yet as my mother f***** keeps catching on fire.
By now you have surely heard that Britney Spears entered a drug rehabilitation facility in Antigua and then later another in Malibu. In the process, she got a tattoo and shaved off all her hair. Do you think she did this because she is mildly psychotic? Of course not. Britney Spears shaved off her hair because she wanted to re-experience the joyous moments of her youth which now seem lost to her forever. Her bald babies made her realize that the only logical way to re-experience happiness would be to return to her childhood via narcotics and head shaving. According to this article, time travel is theoretically possible, so decide for yourself if you think Britney Spears is a cutting edge scientist or a victim of Post-partum psychosis.
BritneySpears.com is currently asking people to send their thoughts and inspiration to Britney Spears. I sent a letter, but unfortunately they have not yet posted it:
“Dear Britney Spears,
I know you may have lost contact with reality for the time being and that you are probably unaware that your vivid hallucinations and delusions are unrealistic. Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness and are associated with many psychotic disorders, including schizophrenia. Don’t let your paranoia get you down or lead you to irrational or excessive behaviour. I think it’s great that your website is having all the 12 year olds, for whom you are a role model, send you letters of support. If you were poor, homeless and living in a third world country without your own personal fan-site, you’d have to face your psychosis alone. We’re all here for you. Not because we know you or really care, but because media and pop culture have dictated your importance so that we don’t bother politicians about wars in Iraq or climate change.
Hope you’re well soon, or at least before your children have hair to shave!”
I encourage everyone to send in their own letters of support! I also highly encourage someone to Photoshop a picture of her with a plunger stuck to her bald head. Some might say I’ve become obsessed with plungers as of late, but obviously my issues are only secondary in comparison to the idea of head shaving for the purpose of time travel.
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Drunk Scottish men lifting their kilts to strangers in Poland. Not because they horrify Polish residents who feel such behaviour is inappropriate or because they risk getting frostbite on their genitals when they inevitably pass-out in a gutter. I’m not even upset that this could potentially lead Poland to ban “men-in-skirts” or at least make the wearing of underwear obligatory. Nope, I just don’t see the downside to that stuff. What bothers me is how this will impact the price of alcoholic beverages in Poland.
We all know Poland is a major destination for tourists because of the cheap beer. We also know that this cheap beer possibly provides the Scots with the necessary motivation to run around Poland exposing themselves. Unfortunately, rather than turning towards violence or driving under the influence, Scots are perfectly content with hiding behind tree’s ready to flash unsuspecting victims. This sort of behaviour is not generally well received. In fact, many polish citizens have reported feeling frightened upon discovering what the drunk Scots have under their kilts.
Now let me explain how this will lead to an increase in the price of alcohol. First of all, drunk Scots can only stagger so far when drunk before collapsing unconscious in a ditch. This means that the under-kilt-sightings will have a highest density within the staggering radius surrounding the bars in Poland. We will refer to this as the “Flashing Zone of Terror”. Frightened citizens will avoid the Flashing Zone of Terror at all cost meaning many will avoid Poland’s bars. If you’ve studied Supply vs Demand in economics then you know that as the demand goes down so does the price. However, in this case, decreasing the price will only attract more Scottish flashers. Therefore, tourists will inevitably be content to pay significantly more for their beer if the end result is less exposed testes.
Don’t let the drunk Scottish kilt lifters raise the price of beer in Poland! It’s time to enter the Flashing Zone of Terror and fight back. Take out the plungers, you know what to do when you see that kilt-lift!
You know who really makes me want to plunge? Stephen Colbert. Colbert conveniently inherited Captain America’s shield following the characters death and is rumoured to have thus been inducted honorarily as a character in the Marvel Universe. The shield was initially reported as missing, but later turned up in the hands of Colbert on television during Comedy Central’s, “The Colbert Report”. Colbert claims Steve Rogers (i.e. Captain America!) bequethed the shield to him in his Will. S.H.I.E.L.D. is currently investigating the validity of the Will.
While Colbert bids farewell to Captain America, one has to wonder, did he do it? One may argue that he lacks the qualities of a super hero villain, but what if Stephen Colbert is really the alter ego of Crossbones or Dr.Faustus?! Let’s not forget Colbert’s performance at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner… According to Michael Scherer, “Stephen Colbert is a dangerous man — a bomb thrower, an assassin, a terrorist with boring hair and rimless glasses. It’s a wonder the Secret Service let him so close to the president of the United States.”
Colbert has appeared in Maxim Online and People Magazine as one of the sexiest men alive. Most TV news anchors are not naturally attractive or they would have a better job, so this strengthens the alter ego argument as Colbert is obviously wearing a mask.
If you think the evidence ends there you are wrong! Once Captain America realizes that his fight against the Registration Act is putting the lives of civilians in danger, he orders the anti-Registration forces to stand down. Colbert, who had a vested interest in the liberty of the super-powered beings via his ice cream business (i.e. Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream - …the sweet taste of liberty…), could not allow the fight against registration to be lost, and thus needed to murder Captain America in order to allow a new leader, possibly Punisher, to continue the battle!
You see, the Comics Code Authority (CCA) was created to regulate the content of comic books and prevents super-powered beings from consuming alcohol. Colbert knew that when the sale of alcohol was made illegal in the United States during the prohibition between 1920-1933 the demand for ice cream soared up by 71%. If the registration act were to come into effect, the identities of all super-powered beings would be known and therefore they would gain the right to consume alcohol since by law they would now be entitled even as a super-beings, to their rights as regular civilians. The impact would have dramatic results on Colbert’s ice cream business.
Do not let the fact that Captain America is a comic book character stand in the way of justice. Stephen Colbert must pay for the crimes he has committed! Get out your plungers and stand up for Steve Rogers. Don’t let fiction and reality become two separate entities!
You know what really makes me want to plunge (Yes, viciously cleaning toilets relieves my anger and anxiety so that I can live happily and stress free)? Antonella Barba not winning American Idol. Not because she had the talent to do so or because the media and American Idol took advantage of her unfortunate situation to selfishly boost their own ratings. That’s a part of life in the 21st century and we’re more than happy to accept it. I’m upset because actually taking the time to care about celebrity exploitation would mean we’d have to follow up with caring about world poverty, child labour and other sorts of inequalities that plague the world. I’m sorry, but I have better ways to spend my time, such as looking for wet t-shirt pictures on the internet.
If we don’t start a petition now to bring back Antonella Barba, her moment of fame will be over until the release of the next Girl’s Gone Wild DVD. If we wait that long to stand up for what’s right, the world as we know it could cease to exist. Already research has shown that more and more people are searching Google for the word “rhombus“. Do you know what a “rhombus” is? It’s not the shape that should be most searched for on the Internet if you know what I mean…
Do you want your children to grow up in a world where everyone cares more about inequality and geometry than XXX porn? Do your part to save our culture, bring back Antonella Barba!