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The People’s Daily Online reports that scientists in China have successfully found a way to use brain implants in pigeons to control the birds’ movement. This of course means that every military in the world is already trying to figure out how they can strap pigeons with an AK-47 and use them as weapons of mass destruction. Don’t be surprised if George Bush announces a plan to invade Iran because satellite photos have spotted pigeons gathering in large numbers around what may or may not be bread crumbs…

The U.S military has already tried creating remote controlled sharks and currently trains dolphins to search for mines.

“Scientists with the Robot Engineering Technology Research Center of east China’s Shandong University of Science and Technology say they implanted micro electrodes in the brain of a pigeon so they can command it to fly right or left or up or down.

The implants stimulated different areas of the pigeon’s brain according to signals sent by the scientists via computer, and forced the bird to comply with their commands.” – http://hackedgadgets.com/

Since we shouldn’t have to worry about a missile defense system against pigeons for another two or three years, I’ll focus the rest of this article on some of the benefits that could arise from this technology!

First of all, some non-military uses will be found for the birds. If Fedex can get their hands on some remote controlled pigeons I guarantee they will start using them to deliver mail just like owls do in Harry Potter. Sure, some animal rights activists will likely be against the idea of giving pigeons brain implants and using them to fly packages across the country and oversea, but imagine the savings! Thousands of workers could be laid off and replaced with pigeons who will be paid in grain. Also, think of the carbon savings! Switching to pigeons is a great way to reduce greenhouse gas emmissions and go green!

The technology will help clean up the streets. Most pigeons spend their days downtown panhandling and begging people for food. This technology will get the pigeons off the streets and into jobs seeing as many new employment possibilities will be available for the birds either as couriers or assassins.

Of course, this will inevitably lead to the development of remote controlled humans. If you think it’s impossible, guess again. The technology has obviously already been tested on many politicians who serve oil companies and large corporations rather than those who would elect them.

You know what really makes me want to plunge? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, thats all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…

Farmers in Switzerland find that cannabis is a very affordable way to feed their cows who also seem happier upon consumption. The Agriculture Ministry however states that the active ingredient in cannabis, THC, can get into the milk and create a health risk. However, artificial growth hormones designed to increase milk production, when there is already an oversupply of milk, are perfectly safe.

If anyone should be allowed to get high, its the cows. We’ve taken all meaning and fun out of their lives while treating them as commodities to use and expend as we please. Cows do not live in the wild, we have enslaved their entire population. Despite this, they are not on any endangered species lists because we don’t view them as a creature any longer, but rather as a burgers or bags of milk. They have nothing going for them besides exploitation, just let the cows get high.

Of course, others will argue that we need to educate the young cows about the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. Do you want your cow to grow up and spend it’s life working at McDonald’s, being fed to people by employees making minimum wage?

Don’t think that cows are only being fed cannabis in Switzerland. These happy cow videos show American cows from California who are obviously also in a good mood. Do you want to make these cows sad? Of course not, man, thats messed up! Get out your plunger and pull the plug on the ban on feeding cows cannabis! THC does not accumulate in the food chain like poisonous mercury, yet fish have not been banned from living in the waters we have polluted and continue to make dangerous to our own health.

You know what really makes me want to plunge (as in plunging with a plunger)? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy. The problem is that nobody has ever given them a taste of their own medicine. They float around their entire life with a handful of suction cups, yet not a single giant squid is employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path seeing as we would be much less likely to eat them if they put their tentacles into toilets (although we do presently dump sewage into the oceans yet enjoy our calamari anyways so who knows…).

So how do squid waste their true anatomical potential? They stick their suction cups to whales! Granted I would do the same if given the opportunity, but that’s not the point. Next time I find myself in the middle of the ocean and I meet a giant squid I’m going to pray I have my plunger with me because I think it’s time we demonstrate why enslavement at the hands of humanity is a better alternative to gleefuly usage of suction cups on whales. Their heads are round and wet, creating the ideal location for a plunger to become stuck. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do.

Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or Anna Nicole Smith. Do you want your children to see them on TV every night and then have squid-related nightmares? Do your part to ensure that the next time a giant squid shows up on TV, it has a plunger stuck to it’s head. The future of your child may very well be at stake…

Today I was entrusted with the task of tying up a chicken. Simple as that may sound, a chicken is a formidable foe that should never be underestimated.

The first thing to do when asked to tie up a chicken is to desperately seek out advice from people who tie up chickens professionally. If you’re having trouble finding such a person, its because they’ve decided to use the fancy name of “trussing poultry” in order to describe their line of work.

One thing the professionals forget to mention is that you should always begin by making sure your chicken is dead. To do this, simply poke the chicken several times with your index finger and wait for a response. Feathers are not a vital organ so do not assume just because they are no longer present that your bird is dead. The bird I am presently cooking for instance used its slippery skin in order to attempt an escape when I picked it up. Approach your chicken with caution at all times.

Here is an article from the Food Network called Truss Poultry which provides step by step chicken trussing instructions for beginners like me:

How to Truss Poultry Instructions

How to Truss Poultry VIDEO!

The video is excellent unless, like me, you find yourself with a chicken that does not match the shape of the chicken in the video. If your chickens legs won’t cross, don’t force them too or the leg will fall right off…

So what do you do if your average chicken looks nothing like the big juicy ones that make it on TV? Improvise! The video suggests using a cord about three times the length of the chicken. I say, when in doubt, tie that bird up real good and use three feet of string if necessary! If it looks like an Egyptian mummy by the time it goes into the rotisserie, all the better! There’s no better way to preserve a chicken corpse.

The final step is actually cooking the chicken! Unfortunately I don’t think I’m quite qualified to offer assistance in this area yet as my mother f***** keeps catching on fire.