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You know what really makes me want to plunge? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, thats all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…

Farmers in Switzerland find that cannabis is a very affordable way to feed their cows who also seem happier upon consumption. The Agriculture Ministry however states that the active ingredient in cannabis, THC, can get into the milk and create a health risk. However, artificial growth hormones designed to increase milk production, when there is already an oversupply of milk, are perfectly safe.

If anyone should be allowed to get high, its the cows. We’ve taken all meaning and fun out of their lives while treating them as commodities to use and expend as we please. Cows do not live in the wild, we have enslaved their entire population. Despite this, they are not on any endangered species lists because we don’t view them as a creature any longer, but rather as a burgers or bags of milk. They have nothing going for them besides exploitation, just let the cows get high.

Of course, others will argue that we need to educate the young cows about the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. Do you want your cow to grow up and spend it’s life working at McDonald’s, being fed to people by employees making minimum wage?

Don’t think that cows are only being fed cannabis in Switzerland. These happy cow videos show American cows from California who are obviously also in a good mood. Do you want to make these cows sad? Of course not, man, thats messed up! Get out your plunger and pull the plug on the ban on feeding cows cannabis! THC does not accumulate in the food chain like poisonous mercury, yet fish have not been banned from living in the waters we have polluted and continue to make dangerous to our own health.

You know what really makes me want to plunge (as in plunging with a plunger)? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy. The problem is that nobody has ever given them a taste of their own medicine. They float around their entire life with a handful of suction cups, yet not a single giant squid is employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path seeing as we would be much less likely to eat them if they put their tentacles into toilets (although we do presently dump sewage into the oceans yet enjoy our calamari anyways so who knows…).

So how do squid waste their true anatomical potential? They stick their suction cups to whales! Granted I would do the same if given the opportunity, but that’s not the point. Next time I find myself in the middle of the ocean and I meet a giant squid I’m going to pray I have my plunger with me because I think it’s time we demonstrate why enslavement at the hands of humanity is a better alternative to gleefuly usage of suction cups on whales. Their heads are round and wet, creating the ideal location for a plunger to become stuck. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do.

Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or Anna Nicole Smith. Do you want your children to see them on TV every night and then have squid-related nightmares? Do your part to ensure that the next time a giant squid shows up on TV, it has a plunger stuck to it’s head. The future of your child may very well be at stake…