Deceth.com

By now you have surely heard that Britney Spears entered a drug rehabilitation facility in Antigua and then later another in Malibu. In the process, she got a tattoo and shaved off all her hair. Do you think she did this because she is mildly psychotic? Of course not. Britney Spears shaved off her hair because she wanted to re-experience the joyous moments of her youth which now seem lost to her forever. Her bald babies made her realize that the only logical way to re-experience happiness would be to return to her childhood via narcotics and head shaving. According to this article, time travel is theoretically possible, so decide for yourself if you think Britney Spears is a cutting edge scientist or a victim of Post-partum psychosis.

BritneySpears.com is currently asking people to send their thoughts and inspiration to Britney Spears. I sent a letter, but unfortunately they have not yet posted it:

“Dear Britney Spears,

I know you may have lost contact with reality for the time being and that you are probably unaware that your vivid hallucinations and delusions are unrealistic. Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness and are associated with many psychotic disorders, including schizophrenia. Don’t let your paranoia get you down or lead you to irrational or excessive behaviour. I think it’s great that your website is having all the 12 year olds, for whom you are a role model, send you letters of support. If you were poor, homeless and living in a third world country without your own personal fan-site, you’d have to face your psychosis alone. We’re all here for you. Not because we know you or really care, but because media and pop culture have dictated your importance so that we don’t bother politicians about wars in Iraq or climate change.

Hope you’re well soon, or at least before your children have hair to shave!”

I encourage everyone to send in their own letters of support! I also highly encourage someone to Photoshop a picture of her with a plunger stuck to her bald head. Some might say I’ve become obsessed with plungers as of late, but obviously my issues are only secondary in comparison to the idea of head shaving for the purpose of time travel.

You know what really makes me want to plunge (Yes, viciously cleaning toilets relieves my anger and anxiety so that I can live happily and stress free)? Antonella Barba not winning American Idol. Not because she had the talent to do so or because the media and American Idol took advantage of her unfortunate situation to selfishly boost their own ratings. That’s a part of life in the 21st century and we’re more than happy to accept it. I’m upset because actually taking the time to care about celebrity exploitation would mean we’d have to follow up with caring about world poverty, child labour and other sorts of inequalities that plague the world. I’m sorry, but I have better ways to spend my time, such as looking for wet t-shirt pictures on the internet.

If we don’t start a petition now to bring back Antonella Barba, her moment of fame will be over until the release of the next Girl’s Gone Wild DVD. If we wait that long to stand up for what’s right, the world as we know it could cease to exist. Already research has shown that more and more people are searching Google for the word “rhombus“. Do you know what a “rhombus” is? It’s not the shape that should be most searched for on the Internet if you know what I mean…

Do you want your children to grow up in a world where everyone cares more about inequality and geometry than XXX porn? Do your part to save our culture, bring back Antonella Barba!