How to Handle an Encounter with a Giant Squid

Deceth — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:21:29 +0000

You know what really makes me want to plunge (as in plunging with a plunger)? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their wieners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy. The problem is that nobody has ever given them a taste of their own medicine. They float around their entire life with a handful of suction cups, yet not a single giant squid is employed as a plumber. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups, they could easily unclog thousands of toilets daily and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them down this path seeing as we would be much less likely to eat them if they put their tentacles into toilets (although we do presently dump sewage into the oceans yet enjoy our calamari anyways so who knows…).

So how do squid waste their true anatomical potential? They stick their suction cups to whales! Granted I would do the same if given the opportunity, but that’s not the point. Next time I find myself in the middle of the ocean and I meet a giant squid I’m going to pray I have my plunger with me because I think it’s time we demonstrate why enslavement at the hands of humanity is a better alternative to gleefuly usage of suction cups on whales. Their heads are round and wet, creating the ideal location for a plunger to become stuck. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do.

Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or Anna Nicole Smith. Do you want your children to see them on TV every night and then have squid-related nightmares? Do your part to ensure that the next time a giant squid shows up on TV, it has a plunger stuck to it’s head. The future of your child may very well be at stake…

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How to Handle an Encounter with a Giant Squid